


lueur d'espoir

by troubled



Series: hard reset [6]
Category: DBSK | Tohoshinki | TVfXQ | TVXQ
Genre: Age Reversal, Alternate Reality, M/M, Older Shim Changmin, Younger Jung Yunho
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-08-06
Updated: 2020-08-06
Packaged: 2021-03-06 07:47:27
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,432
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/25749868
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/troubled/pseuds/troubled
Summary: you carry your own version of hell around in your tightly-cinched mouth.is it selfish to want to be loved? is it enough?
Relationships: Jung Yunho/Shim Changmin
Series: hard reset [6]
Series URL: https://archiveofourown.org/series/1249814
Comments: 7
Kudos: 54





	lueur d'espoir

When Changmin reaches out to ruffle Yunho’s hair at the end of a dance practice, all mischievous eyes and affectionate grin, Yunho doesn’t fight the urge to flinch away. Changmin’s hand grasps thin air and there’s the distance between them. A few inches, maybe an entire universe.

Yunho feels Siwon’s eyes on them.

“Hyung.” Yunho’s voice cracks a bit along the edges. He doesn’t understand the look on Changmin’s face, but he knows he’s the one that puts it there. Fear surges into his chest and his throat closes up, makes it hard to breathe. “I—”

Changmin’s eyes narrow. “Come here.”

Music resumes in the background, something upbeat and catchy and Yunho doesn’t really know how to smile anymore. He hasn’t been smiling right for quite some time now, but as long as the cameras don’t catch it, everything is okay.

_It’s okay. He’s okay._

He closes the distance and allows Changmin’s hand to rest on his head, nails digging into his scalp.

“Yes, hyung.”

*

There’s an empty spot next to Changmin, but Yunho takes two extra steps and slips next to Heechul, who smiles and wraps an arm around Yunho’s shoulder. The couch dips under their combined weight, gravity pulling everything together. Yunho tries not to notice the way Changmin’s fingers tighten around the remote.

Yunho tries not to notice a lot of things nowadays.

“How’re you holding up?”

The people on the television screen are laughing at something Yunho doesn’t understand. A punchline, at the expense of a harassed-looking older man. Yunho hears the concern in Heechul’s soft whisper and thinks about how lucky he is to have Heechul. It’s an offer of comfort, a better medicine than anything the hospital could’ve offered. His gut churns, guilt scarring his insides and the ever-present whispers of _you’re fucking this up_ fill the space between his ears. Yunho remembers waking up in the hospital to see the older man sitting at the foot of the bed and thinks that he should be thankful for someone like Heechul.

“Better.” He makes sure he’s smiling when he turns to Heechul and repeats, “I feel a lot better.”

He’s almost proud at how confident he sounds. He’s mostly splintering at the seams.

“That’s good. You know if you need help, we’re here for you.” Heechul glances at Changmin at the end of the couch and nods. “Right, Chwang?”

Changmin blinks and his response comes a second too late. “We’ve got your back.”

“Thanks,” he mumbles. His mouth is dry.

He presses close to Heechul and doesn’t look at Changmin.

*

Yunho loves the practice room most when it’s just before dawn, when everyone else is too busy squeezing in seconds of much needed rest and their schedule hasn’t unfurled for the day. When he’s the only one awake because he needs to compensate his lack of talent with hard work, always one step behind and gaps will only widen in time. Yunho breathes in the darkness, savours the silence until he flips the light switch. There’s an ache in his heart when he thinks about all those weeks he’d wasted. Being forced to adhere to the suffocating constraint of medical care, couldn’t escape the critical eyes of his doctor and nurses.

He runs a hand over his belly and shudders.

He’d gained too much weight. It’s disgusting, the way the tips of his fingers sink into soft pudginess. They keep sinking and sinking and Yunho wonders if he’d ever find bones inside.

“I should skip lunch today,” he tells the mirrors. He scrunches up his face and sees the roundness of his cheeks. The pit of his stomach plummets even further. He won’t be able to fit into any of his stage outfits later. He’d rip something up during live shows and embarrass the group, the company. They’re going to kick him out then and he can’t afford to let that happen. He doesn’t know how to be anyone else but U-Know Yunho. “And dinner.”

“You shouldn’t miss your meals, idiot.”

Yunho jerks in surprise, nearly drops his backpack and water bottle. He doesn’t, and Changmin takes a step closer. “Hyung.”

“Why are you here?”

He swallows. Curls his fingers into fists, feels caught out. “Why are _you_?”

Changmin lets out an irritated huff. There are dark circles under his eyes and his smile feels lacklustre, feels a lot like lies. “I asked first, maknae. You should learn to play fair.”

Yunho wants to point out that it’s rude to sneak up on people. Yunho doesn’t want to tell Changmin it’s because he needs to be alone to remind himself of all the things he’d done wrong, so he can make them right and not disappoint everyone all over again. He wants to scream and break things. He exhales slowly. “I— wanted to try out the new choreo.”

Changmin’s eyebrows arch. “At _five in the fucking morning_?”

“You haven’t answered my question yet,” he says, petulant. “Play fair. You said so yourself.”

“I can’t sleep.” Changmin digs the heel of his palm against an eye, blinks at Yunho with the other. He looks worn out. Spent. He looks like he needs someone to help him stay upright. “Aren’t you supposed to be resting?”

“I rested enough,” Yunho protests. He’d slept more in the past week than he did in five years. He slings his backpack onto the floor just so he has something to do with his hands. “Why couldn’t you sleep?”

“I worry too much about shit.” The soft pats of Changmin’s sneakers on polished wood bounce against white wall and mirrors, crowd Yunho’s mind with warnings. “Last question, maknae. Why are you avoiding me?”

Yunho takes a step back, rapidly blinks away fear in his eyes before Changmin can see it. When Changmin reaches out for his shoulder, Yunho flinches away. It’s a split second of decision and from the displeased curl of Changmin’s lips, it’s the wrong decision to make. “I—”

“If you say you’re not, help me god I’ll make your life miserable.”

Yunho doesn’t realise he’d blurted out a ‘ _you already are_ ’ until he hears the words with his own ears.

Changmin’s mouth slams into an ugly snarl. His hand whips forward, grabs the front of Yunho’s shirt and they’re breathing in the same space. Too close for comfort. Yunho doesn’t think there’s enough oxygen for two because he can’t breathe, can’t breathe. Changmin shoves and pushes, until Yunho’s back slams against mirror and there’s nowhere to run.

“What the fuck does that mean?”

Yunho grapples with the knuckles pressed to his throat. “Hyung, stop—”

“ _I’m_ making your life miserable?!” Changmin spits out the question, barbwires lashing between syllables. “What? What did I do that makes you so fucking miserable? _What_?”

That’s just it, isn’t it. It’s not Changmin; it’s just _him_. He’s the problem. He’s the one who falls in love and is stupid enough to fuck up the relationship they used to have because he’s too selfish to let Changmin go. He’s the coward that hides behind someone else when he can’t handle the terrifying reality of being alone, only to fuck things up with Siwon and Changmin and—

It’s _his_ fault.

He doesn’t deserve to be here.

And he understands why Changmin can’t love him back.

“I’m sorry!” he chokes out, holds back tears and swallows everything down. Cuts up the inside of his throat like shards of broken glass; truths hurt and he hasn’t figured out how to deal with them. “I— I wasn’t thinking. I didn’t mean it, I swear.”  
  
Changmin’s grip tightens.  
  
“I really am sorry, hyung. I promise I’ll do better.” Yunho’s smile flashes timid and crooked, a pale facsimile of the one he practises for hours in front of the mirror. “I’ll be better, for you. I promise.”

There’s a moment of silence as Changmin stares and stares and Yunho wonders if Changmin can see through that smile, if he hasn’t practised enough, but Changmin loosens his grip. The creases are terrible and Changmin takes a step back, something indecipherable in his eyes as he watches Yunho straighten his shirt, fumbles with his trembling fingers.

When Changmin leans in to kiss him, Yunho closes his eyes and lets him.

*

The next time Changmin reaches out under the glare of spotlights and cameras, Yunho doesn’t pull away.

Yunho learns to grit his teeth and smiles, smiles, _smiles_.

Changmin grins and digs fingernails into soft skin, hard enough to bruise.  
  
Hard enough to brand. It’s a challenge.  
  
It’s _let’s see how long you can keep this up before you break_ and Yunho thinks,

_Soon._

*

**end**


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